By Tarik Booker


Delusions?  I have no delusions.  IÂ’m the greatest person in the world!  IÂ’m the light at the end of the tunnel!


IÂ’m the gold leaf in the carpet of life.

IÂ’m the first baseman in the stadium circus.

IÂ’m the clean water in the washbasin.

IÂ’m Jeroboam! IÂ’m Rehoboam!

IÂ’m the Holy Roman Empire, baby!


IÂ’m CaesarÂ’s ghostÂ’s acid, juiced, blended and infused with protein powder.  IÂ’m the Vitamin Juice Boost, my friend!


I was old when the Titans were in Junior College.

I was ZeusÂ’ babysitter.  AphroditeÂ’s Sex-Ed teacher.


I was Platinum when Bronze was in fashion.

I was Napalm when there was only Fire.


I was the apple that smacked NewtonÂ’s Head / slapped EveÂ’s Brain / stopped Atlanta's Stride / sank in Gregor SamsaÂ’s Insectoid Back


I crap lightning, I eat thunder, I breathe fire, I sweat penicillin, and I vomit double-coupons at your local supermarket!


I inject Dollars into my veins, snort Stock-and-Bond options up my nose and spit the mess into Tartan-Plaid colored Hedge-Funds.


I drink Roller Coasters, Bleach, and the Souls of Unbroken Horses to bleed Diamond Statuettes of Marilyn Monroe at 49!


IÂ’m better than the best!  IÂ’m better than myself!


And no, that’s NOT on my résumé!



Shopping (for God)

By Tarik Booker


Zoroaster sells a relaxing afterlife for only $12.95 plus tax.

You should be interested in this for many reasons - some of which I will identify.


Xenophobes are not allowed into heaven.

Wars are only fought through the minds of those left on Earth.

Vice is sanctioned throughout the day, but stops at lunch for our daily fireworks show.

Underwear is illegal, replaced with skirts made of sugar water.

Talking is forbidden, replaced with spitting and pats on the back.

Such is the way of this practice, that you will be guaranteed Zen, or your money back.


Religion is such a touchy subject today, so you might do well with something a bit more pleasing.


Questions about faith, notwithstanding, IÂ’d like to sell you a more commercial religion.

Perhaps youÂ’d like something organic, naturally enhancing?

Or you could buy this religion for a special someone.

Nobody in particular?

Maybe youÂ’d be interested in a gift religion for a friend or co-worker?

Look at this we have here, a religion infused with the Viagra of Guadalupe.

Knowledge of the universe, through that special part of your anatomy?

Jesus says, “What would I do, if I had that special someone?

I know what my answer would be.

Hurry now, while stocks are limited.

God is only taking the first 500 customers.

Forget cash - credit or debit is all you need for lasting glory.

Each religious purchase comes with a biblical swimsuit edition.

DonÂ’t wait, Salvation is going in 30 seconds!

C.O.D.Â’s are not accepted!

Buy now before itÂ’s too late!